Author: fr.stephendass@gmail.com

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Trying Not to Explain the Trinity

For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children of God. For you did not receive a spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received a spirit of adoption. When we cry, “Abba! Father!” it is that very Spirit bearing witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs, heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ—if, in fact, we suffer with him so that we may also be glorified with him. Romans 8:14-17

When I was a parish priest, I was always at a loss on Trinity Sunday. I just could not write an interesting sermon (I am making an assumption here that at least some of my sermons were interesting). The miserable words I was able to put on paper looked dreadfully boring and uninspired, unlike the Blessed Trinity. Perhaps my sermons were an attempt to rationalize something that cannot be rationalized. I have heard many sermons about the Trinity. I realized that I am not alone. The preachers who are generally good preachers find it hard to deliver a good sermon about the Trinity. I have read many books about the rational treatise of this subject. My personal favorite is the one by Boethius. I don’t understand most of it and yet, it makes lot of sense. It sounds like a paradox but we are talking about something that is essentially paradoxical.

Maybe I should avoid writing something about the Trinity for this post. Unfortunately, this is an impossible task. The presence of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit is the heart of what we do. I can’t talk about God without mentioning Jesus and I cannot talk intelligibly about Jesus without the Holy Spirit. If we take the blessed Trinity away from our ministry, then we are just an older couple hanging out with children and teens in the streets. We would be very strange to the children and the people around. Yet, we are in the streets everyday and people seemed to understand why we are there. Most importantly, the children and teens do too. It is strange that no one ever asks the question how or why they understand. Perhaps, the most possible answer would be the workings of the Holy Spirit.

Our children, most likely, have never heard of the Nicene Creed. If they did, they wouldn’t be interested in discussing it. However, our children know that Jesus helps them understand the God the Father. They also sense in their hearts that they are God’s children. Whenever they said this, I used to be a little skeptical. I thought that they were just repeating doctrines and teachings they heard in the streets. I made the mistake of not taking them too seriously when they said that God is their Father. However, I have changed now. How and why I have changed? Well again, it is the Holy Spirit. I realized that I am not the Holy Spirit and therefore, the Truth does not flow out of me. It is possible for others to receive and know it apart from me. I also realized that the Holy Spirit is present in the hearts and minds of the children. When God poured out His Spirit, He generously gave Himself to the world and not just to a select few. His Spirit has been with these children and teens since the day they were born. The children talk about God being their Father not as a theory but a reality. Most of them have never had a religious upbringing. Yet, they know in their hearts that God is the only true Father that they have. This is not a metaphor. We have been helping a lot of our teens get their documents recently and almost all of them do not know the names of their fathers. They have no notion what their fathers look like. There are about two or three in the streets that have fathers. Unfortunately, they are not living at home because of their fathers.

Our children are convinced that God never abandoned them. This is quite amazing. They live on the streets of a commercial district. They see people flaunting their wealth all the time. They see people walking with their families. They are completely aware of their lack. Nevertheless, it never occurred to them that God has abandoned them. Some might argue that this is mere blind faith. It could be that or it could be the Truth. A kind of Truth that goes beyond the superficial presentation of reality. Something that only could be revealed by the Holy Spirit. Our children and teens don’t attend or belong to any church. They don’t feel the necessity to adhere to any religious belief. They live their lives through their intuition. They intuitively know that God has never abandoned them because He always sends people to remind them that He is with them.

We have been helping Wellington this week with his documents. In reality, what he needs is not complicated. He could do it himself. However, he has never done anything of this sort on his own before. He is 18 and he has been involved in crime in the past and has been to juvenile detention centers several times. He is street wise and has gained the respect of the other teens. However, now he wants to leave all these things behind. He wants something better but he doesn’t know how to go about it. He came up to us and asked our help. He needed a parent figure to help him. Even though our interactions have always been superficial despite knowing him for almost five years, somehow he sensed that we would walk with him.

After we got his documents, as we walked back together to where the children were staying, Wellington opened up about his family. He said that he was a squatter in an abandoned building with his mother. It was actually the building that collapsed. I wrote about this in my last post. Fortunately, he wasn’t there when it happened. We were surprised to hear that he was with his mother. However, he quickly added that she never cared for him. She was a crack addict and never had time for anything else but crack. He realized this at a very young age. He decided that he needed to look elsewhere for a family. This is why he stayed in the streets. He did not sound bitter or angry when he said this. It was just the way life turned out for him. However, he doesn’t want to follow in the footsteps of his mother. He wants to be free from everything that is detrimental to his life. However, he is not going to be able to do it alone. He needs a family. He needs the Holy Trinity. He did not say this. He does not have the vocabulary but we do. Maybe this is why the Holy Spirit brought us to the streets; to help them discover a new vocabulary. The word, “Trinity”, was a new word born from the spiritual encounters of the Christian community. Unfortunately, they spent many years caught in arguments dealing with the precise and technical expressions of it and something was lost. Something lively and real was reduced to something dry and irrelevant. The “Trinity” is not a theory or an argument. The Trinity is an expression of God’s love. It is the way we understand God is Love.

If I were to write a sermon about the blessed Trinity today for our children and teens, it would go something like this; The Holy Trinity brought us together. We wouldn’t be in the streets if it wasn’t for Jesus. We wouldn’t be in the streets if the Holy Spirit hadn’t spoken to us. The streets wouldn’t be special if the Father hadn’t brought all of us together. It would be impossible for us to become a loving and caring family in the streets if we did not first encounter the love of the Father through Jesus made alive in our hearts by the Holy Spirit. I noticed that everything negative has been made positive through the workings of the Blessed Trinity. Perhaps, this is the best way to think about the Holy Trinity. The Blessed Trinity takes each ‘No’ to abundant life and transforms it into a ‘Yes’. I think that our children would understand this sermon. Thankfully, I don’t have to preach to them. We just live it every time the Holy Spirit brings us together.

 

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Truly Loving in a Difficult Situation

Jesus prayed, “when I was with them in the world, I was keeping them in Thy name; those whom Thou hast given to me I did guard, and none of them was destroyed, except the son of the destruction, that the Writing may be fulfilled.” John 17:12 (Young’s Literal Translation)

The verse above is taken from a prayer that only Jesus can pray. We cannot appropriate it. We cannot use it our prayer books as an expression of our own sentiments. It is something that belongs only to the Son of God. It reveals the humility of Jesus who recognizes His limits. He does not assume that He has the right to demand anything from the Father. Instead He pleads with Him. There is no claim of merit. He admits that He merely takes care of those whom God has given to him. They do not belong to Him but to the Father. He recognizes that He has only one task and stays faithful to it. He has to manifest the Truth to them. This was all He had to do. He has to reveal the Truth to them.

“Truth” has such a complex history. Many things good and unpleasant have been done in its name. Everyone claims to make allegiance to it: religions, sciences, politics, media and even the entertainment industry. For most of these, Truth is a theory or a doctrine or a teaching. In the gospel of John where this prayer is taken from, its author makes it crystal clear that Truth is not a doctrine or some spiritual exercise or political system but He is a person; nothing more, nothing less.

Jesus said, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me.” ( John 14:6)

It is this truth that brings us to the streets. It is this truth that we constantly discover whenever we are with our children. It is not always easy to accept this Truth. It would be easier if it was just a doctrine. We cannot share this Truth. We have to reveal Him through love. Nothing we say can have any meaning unless His love shines through our hearts. This is the tough part because it is not always easy to love.

I have been doing ministry in the streets long enough to recognize when a criminal activity is about to take place. There were three men walking together looking for a potential victim to rob. The way they walk and communicate with each through quick and silent glances gave them away. They caught my attention. I observed them from a distance. All the sudden one of them made eye contact with me. His face changed and he looked slightly embarrassed, even ashamed. He said something to his companions and then approached us. His name is Bruno.

There are a few “Brunos” in the streets. We met this particular Bruno* when we first got here in 2013. He was incarcerated in the juvenile detention center. He was detained for selling cobbler glue for sniffing. His mother had sent him out to do this. We visited him on a weekly basis. His mother never went to see him once. I met his mother once when she was a homeless teen more than twenty years ago. Now, she has about five children or perhaps more. I can’t remember exactly. They were all forced into the “family business.” It is not organized crime. It is very disorganized and involves selling cobbler’s glue for almost nothing. With the little she earns, she manages her household. There are some mental issues too. Bruno was basically born into criminality. I would describe him as gentle and soft-spoken. We celebrated his sixteenth birthday in the detention center. Mary made some special cupcakes for him. We visited him over the course of a year. Eventually, we lost contact with him until recently. He is back in the streets. He looks the same but he is 20 now. He saw us and said that he remembered our simple birthday celebration with him.

Before he was released from the detention center, Bruno asked the staff to place him in a shelter. He thought that his home would just be a reentry back to a life of crime. I have to say that counsellors of the center tried their best to find a shelter for him. Unfortunately, they was unsuccessful. Bruno went to his mother’s house. Now he is part of a gang of robbers.

It is hard for us to imagine that this gentle young man would hurt someone for money. Unfortunately, he is indeed that kind of person. He is part of a dangerous gang. There are two sides of Bruno and they are irreconcilable. I cannot pretend to see only the good side of him. It would be dishonest of me especially when I claim that I am here to proclaim the Truth. I need to face the harsh reality. I know that I am not alone in this dilemma. There are prison chaplains who serve the vilest criminals. They have to struggle not to despise those whom they serve. I don’t despise Bruno. We have a strong affection for him but I hate what he does. Not just him, there is another older teen in this gang of robbers with whom we actually have very close relationship and it breaks our heart to know that they are contaminating their souls doing such things. We still love them but we cannot pretend that they are not dangerous and a menace to society.

When I read the prayer of Jesus, it made me wonder how did Jesus love Judas knowing that he would eventually betray him. Jesus did not treat him any different from the rest. He recognized Judas as one of those whom God has given to Him.

Jesus said, “It is the one to whom I give this piece of bread when I have dipped it in the dish.” So when he had dipped the piece of bread, he gave it to Judas son of Simon Iscariot. John 13:26

In ancient cultures, when the host personally served you a bread he had dipped, it was a sign of intimacy and honor. The rest of the apostles took this for granted and they disregarded the fact that at that particular moment that Jesus was pointing out the traitor to them. Jesus loved and cared for Judas like the rest of them. Judas was the son of destruction and Jesus could not do anything about it. It is strange to even write these words. We think of Jesus as always doing the impossible. However, even God respects the boundaries that He has set. He won’t intervene in our decisions but He still loves us despite our bad choices.

Bruno came up to us and hugged us. He has a strong affection for us and the feeling is mutual. At the same time, there is a gnawing sentiment of disdain within me knowing that he is capable of doing harm to innocent people. I realize that I am also like a Bruno, a torn and divided person. I am not any different from anyone in this world. God wants us to be in the world but not of the world. Perhaps I take comfort in the prayer of Jesus knowing that He still prays this prayer for us.

“Holy Father, keep them in Thy name, whom Thou hast given to me, that they may be one as we are one.” John 17:11

Jesus loved Judas despite knowing what he would do. There was compassion in his words when he said that it would have been better if he was never born (Matthew 26:24). The person who suffered most in the act of betrayal was Judas himself. He will always be remembered for this one thing. His suicide revealed that he never understood the depths of Jesus’ love. Bruno is not Judas nor are the other young men we know that are involved in crime. We can’t see into their future. This is a good thing. However, we need to allow the Holy Spirit to help us become one with Jesus and learn to love with compassion those who do things that grieve our hearts.

 

 

*This is a post I made about Bruno and his mother in 2014.

http://spmercyministry.com/2014/09/18/tragic-tales-of-three-mothers/

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Love comes Tumbling down

“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.” John 15:12

A 24 story building collapsed in our neighborhood this week.

It happened on May 1st, the Labor Day holiday. I heard the helicopters flying around our neighborhood all night. These machines are bad omens here in this city. Their presence means that there is a riot or some large scale tragedy. I looked out the window and saw them hovering over a certain spot not far from our home. I knew something bad had happened. It was only in the morning I realized that a building had collapsed.

We got dressed and went to the location. I don’t know why but it just felt like we needed to be there. Obviously, all roads were closed to traffic. The building used to be a government office but has been abandoned for the past twelve years. More recently, it has been home for 150 families from one of the poorest sectors of society. They invaded the building in hopes of getting the attention of the government to help them find affordable housing. There are about 100 abandoned buildings occupied by the homeless poor in the center where we live. These people are not the same as the homeless to whom we minister in the streets. Most of these people have jobs but they cannot pay rent with what they earn. The best option is being squatters in abandoned buildings in the center. Unfortunately, everyone in authority ignores their presences until a tragedy occurs.

As we walked to the site, we passed a famous restaurant along the way. There was a long line of people waiting to eat there. They were talking and laughing away. It was quite surreal. They seemed oblivious to a great tragedy had happened just around the corner. The tragic event was in the news, even the President went to the area. It is hard to ignore such a thing. However, it didn’t concern these people. It has very little to do with their world. It is not our world as well. However, we were slowly making our way there. I am still not sure why.

There were quite a lot of people at the site. They were not mere curious spectators. Many were from the poorer social sector. They were just like us who were drawn to this place. There was almost a melancholic silence that penetrated the souls of everyone there. The press was there with their cameras. The firemen were busy trying to put out the smoldering flames. The city which is usually noisy and unruly could not ignore the silence that permeated the place. The people who lost their homes sat and mourned their loss. No words could console their souls at this moment. Hope was ripped away. There was a sense of total abandonment. Any attempt to comfort them would sound like conventional wisdom. Perhaps silence was the best answer. Some people brought clothes and food. I saw a man going through the clothes and then he walked away without taking a single piece. He realized that he needed something more than clothes and food. He wasn’t sure what. Perhaps, it is hope.

We did absolutely nothing except stand there in silence. We did not feel like we wasted our time. We heard someone calling out our names. It was Sandro. He was the only one of our youths that was present there. It is strange that not more of them were present being close to where they live. In fact, I once went to this very building looking for the mother of one of our boys.

Sandro said that it was the noise of the helicopters that brought him here.

He was a little pensive today. He said that the people made the mistake of living in such a precarious building. It is a comment he heard from some in the streets. It is strange that victims are always the first to be blamed. I told him that the building was built in 1966 and shouldn’t be in such a fragile state. Besides, there is a housing problem in this city. The government has done nothing with this building for the past 12 years but somehow, the victims are being blamed.

Sandro was just trying to understand what happened. He wasn’t passing judgment. I told him that the people were desperate for a home and they took what was available to them. Just I said this, we saw another familiar face. It was Glaucia. She came up and hugged all of us. I knew her since she was 18 and now she is 41. She used to live in the streets just like Sandro. She has had a tough life. She lived in abandoned buildings like these people for many years. She raised her children in these circumstances. We know her sons and they are excellent young men. She heard about the building and came immediately. She knew some people who lived there. However, she also had some good news to share. She was getting a place of her own. She has been living in a slum built on abandoned land and the government decided to remove the people there to make way for some construction. As a result, she was awarded an apartment. It is not free but affordable. It was something that she wanted all her life. After all these years of being homeless, she finally has a permanent address.

After Glaucia went on her way, Sandro asked if it is possible for someone like him to have a permanent address. He had heard people say that everything is possible with hard work and determination. This is another piece of conventional wisdom. The people who stood there watching the building they called home go up in flames were hardworking and determined. I told him that there are no guarantees in life. Today was not a day for easy and quick answers. I told him that many people with material success in life were the first cast the stones at the victims today; calling them lazy and scroungers, etc. I am not sure if we can consider them to be successful people. I know that Jesus would not. Can we, as Christians, consider hateful and indifferent people to be successful? Glaucia is a successful person but not because she has an apartment now. She was homeless most of her life and yet she was still able to love people and care for them. She made a special two-hour trip just to stand in silence with these people who lost everything. No fire can still steal what she has from her.

Sandro looked hungry. Most of the restaurants in the center were closed for the holiday and food is scarce for the homeless on days like this. I asked him if he wanted to get a snack with us. He smiled and we took it as a “yes”. We went to a fast food joint. He ordered only one item. We encouraged him to get something else but he said that he did not want us to spend all our money. We insisted and he ordered something else. He was happy to share the table with us. He asked the same question again. What does it take to be successful? I told him maybe we should strive to be good people. This is something that will always belong to us.

Sandro hugged us and said that he will look for us the next couple of days.

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In His Abiding Presence

Abide in me as I abide in you. Just as the branch cannot bear fruit by itself unless it abides in the vine, neither can you unless you abide in me.  I am the vine, you are the branches. Those who abide in me and I in them bear much fruit, because apart from me you can do nothing. John 15:4-5

It seems easy but it is not as easy as it seems. My first encounter with these verses left me with a strange sensation that I had stumbled upon something wonderful and yet I could not grasp its full meaning. I was younger then, in my mid-teens. Maybe I needed more of life experiences to ask the necessary questions when I read this passage. There was another sixteen year old, almost forty years older than me, who struggled with some questions. Unlike me, he grew up in an environment where the Christian faith was dominant. His future was well-defined for him. His grandfather was a Lutheran minister as was his father. He knew what was expected of him. Maybe this is why he grappled with questions that I did not consider at his age. He did not understand these verses but he felt that he could not share his struggles. He was expected to be a pastor with all the answers. He always knew that he had none. I was fortunate in this way. My future then was a mystery. I had the freedom to choose what I wanted to do. I did not have any social pressure to choose a certain vocation. I read these words of abiding in Him and I knew that there was beauty and profound truth in them. Yet, I could not grasp it. I knew that these words are meant to be a comfort for those who struggle. Yet, its meaning was distant from me. I was not alone. My older friend heard these words but did not find any consolation. He felt empty and he carried this emptiness with him as he was ordained as a Lutheran minister.

I met him in Florida. He was a Buddhist monk then, a leader of a small Buddhist congregation. After almost thirty years as Lutheran minister, he finally decided to leave the Christian religion and embrace Buddhism. He fled from one religion to take refuge in another. Unfortunately, he harbored in his heart a subtle anger towards God. He felt that God had never accepted him. Therefore, he rejected God altogether by denying His existence. However, he could not deny the longing in his heart for something greater than himself. Buddhism gave him the freedom to be both an atheist and a believer in something which is undefinable. It sounds like a paradox which is quite consistent with life in itself. Our initial contact was an attempt on his part to instigate a debate. He spent years of theological studies and he was ready to argue against the existence of God. I wasn’t interested. I have never been interested in such things. I am convinced that faith cannot be attained through persuasion. It comes from God. I refused to engage in his debates. He read it as a rejection. Our relationship eventually turned sour. We kept our interactions to a minimum even though we frequently saw each other. I have to admit that I was a little relieved that I did not have to engage him.

One day he had a stroke. He lived alone. He laid on the floor for eight hours waiting for the only person who would notice his absence. It was a neighbor who came by his house daily to check on him. When she came around, his house was already filled with the presence of death. The doctors said that the damage was irreversible. It was a question of time. I heard about his state and went to visit him immediately. I did not know what to expect; perhaps more bitterness and anger towards God. Instead I saw a different man. He smiled as I walked into the room. He said, “I was just thinking about you.” He had a story that he wanted to share desperately with me.

As he laid on the floor waiting and thinking about his imminent death, he said that he recalled the voice of his Sunday school teacher saying these words to him,

“God is love, and those who abide in love abide in God, and God abides in them.” 1 John 4:16

For eight hours, this verse kept going through his mind over and over again. Each time he thought about it, everything became clearer to him. He had spent years trying to figure out God. He tried to please the God that religion had created and molded with doctrines and formulas. He found this God of his imagination unsatisfactory. However, now, things became clearer. He saw Jesus in a different light. Jesus came to show us how to abide in God through Love. “We don’t have to figure out God.” His eyes were bright and alive when he told me this, “We just receive His Love and walk in His loving example. It is receiving and participating in Love that opens our eyes to see God.” It is so simple, he added, “and yet I have complicated everything.”

I visited him almost weekly after this and sometimes twice a week. It is funny to think that I used to make an effort to avoid him not too long ago. Now, I knew that I would genuinely miss him. It was a pleasure to talk to him. He discovered the God of Love. He was able to edify everyone around him. He continued to be a Buddhist monk. He shared with his congregation that in a way Buddhism brought him back to Jesus. I am not sure that they understood him but they could sense the change in his heart.

At that time, he wanted to give me something precious. It was a statue of the Resurrected Christ. It was handcrafted out of olive wood in Israel and was given to him by a famous Danish artist. He has carried it with him all his life even though he stopped professing the Christian faith. This statue has brought new meaning to him. He wanted me to have it. It was the first thing that came to my mind when I read the above gospel text.

I left for Brazil not long after and this elderly man passed away soon after. He was buried as a Buddhist missionary. It was the faith that helped him meet the Resurrected Christ. He doesn’t belong to any religion. He belongs to the Father. My friend had spent his whole life searching for the Resurrected Christ and when he was lying there thinking all is lost, he found Him. He realized that He has always been with him. Perhaps, this is why he heard the voice from his childhood repeating the verse over and over again. It was a voice that he ignored for many years. However, Jesus spoke to him then and had always been speaking to him. He wasn’t able to hear His voice because he wanted God to be something else. He ended up rejecting God in the process. However, it doesn’t matter. He met the Resurrected Christ. This was not a death bed conversion. It was a life giving encounter. It was an answer to questions he asked. He did not waste his life. I talk about him all the time. This man’s life makes me understand the depth of God’s love.

The statue will go with me wherever God sends me until I can give to someone else to carry this symbolic gift. Jesus is the same today, yesterday and forever and He will meet us where we are spiritually.

Once in a while, not too often, I wonder if people think that we are strange. A middle aged couple sitting on the dirty floor of a square and playing games with homeless children and teens. I wonder if people understand we are doing. Sometimes I wonder if I understand what I am doing. Then one day a man crossed the street to where we were and he was physically disabled and walked with a limp. I noticed him because it seemed like a struggle for him to cross the street. To my surprise, he walked up to us and said that he worked in the building nearby. Everyday he watched us from his window and sees us playing the children and teens. He wanted to say that it meant a lot to him. I felt God’s presence in a rich and abiding way. Abiding in Him is not something we figure but it is something we do through love.

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The Good Shepherd

Jesus said, “I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. The hired hand, who is not the shepherd and does not own the sheep, sees the wolf coming and leaves the sheep and runs away—and the wolf snatches them and scatters them. The hired hand runs away because a hired hand does not care for the sheep. I am the good shepherd. I know my own and my own know me, just as the Father knows me and I know the Father. And I lay down my life for the sheep.” (John 10:11-15)

An image comes to mind. You know it too. It’s ubiquitous; stained glass windows in our chapels or a cheap framed picture of the Good Shepherd cuddling a sweet lamb in a background where everything is peaceful and harmonious. There are no wolves, no careless hirelings, no death. You almost wonder why they need a shepherd. Jesus paints a different picture. He tells of a good Shepherd that leads the sheep through unsavory places where cowards and killers dwell. It is into this world which the Good Shepherd inserts Himself. Chaos and Death is always lurking around waiting for the right moment to devour the sheep. We find the same image in the famous Psalm 23;

“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. “

Often read at funerals, in reality this Psalm addresses living in the real world. In such a world, it is more comfortable to stay put where we are, especially when we feel safe and secure. On the other hand, the Good Shepherd is always thinking about places where the pasture is green and the waters are refreshing. He is opening new doors that lead to all kinds of complications. He upsets our comfortable lives just because He wants us to have better spiritual food. Won’t it be easier if He makes the place we are to flourish and be abundant, then we won’t have to leave our comfort zone. Alas, the Good Shepherd has a mind of His own. He can be quite disagreeable. I have never seen an artistic portrayal of Him as such. I was quite comfortable with the way things are but I heard His voice. It is hard to resist His voice even though I know that we are going to walk in unknown territories. If I insist in remaining where I am, then eventually His voice will become faint and one day vanish altogether.

We obeyed the Shepherd’s voice this week. Consequently, it was a busy week. Unfortunately, we achieved absolutely nothing.

One by one they came up to us. Young adults who have spent their entire childhood in the streets and now, they want something to change for the better. They have been comfortable in the streets most of their lives. Suddenly, they felt something prompting them. They realized that there must be a green pasture out there because where they are presently seems like a desert. Wallace articulated it perfectly. He said that there was no peace in the streets. All the conversations and activities are concerned with violence and crime. He knows that there is something better. Wallace, Dreyson and Felipe were the first to express a desire for change. The first step was getting all their civil documents. Getting documents for any regular person is a dreaded and complicated process. It requires of hours of waiting and waiting until we realize that we have been waiting for the wrong thing at the wrong places. However, it has to be done. It is an important step for our children and teens. They will become like everyone else in society. Having your name registered means that society recognizes that you are an individual. Now, they want to be recognized. It sounds wonderful but it is also very unnerving. They are not like everyone. They are disadvantaged. They lived their whole lives in the streets. There are many in the world who look at them with disdain and prejudice. They have no schooling. They have no skills. They are going to face rejections. They are going to be disappointed. They are going into a world where wolves abide. They want us to walk with them. They are going to look to us for our guidance. It is a time of decision for us. We can be like hirelings or shepherds. However, I am comfortable being a shepherd where I am but the Good Shepherd is calling us to move to greener pastures.

Dreyson was the only one who got all his documents. For Wallace and Felipe, after hours of waiting and sometimes enduring humiliating situations and questionings, we learned that we lacked more documents to get what we needed. No one informed us of this when we started the process. We prayed that these young men would not give up. We tried to encourage them but they surprised us. They were smiling and happy that something was happening in their lives even though we seem to hit an obstacle every time. They said that they were going to go forward. However, they wanted us to go with them.

Dreyson got all his documents. Unfortunately, it means absolutely nothing. This is a wolf that stands in our way to the green pasture. He still does not have any prospect of getting a job. However, our eyes should not be on the wolf even though it brandishes the sword of death threateningly at us. He asked about getting a job. I did not have an answer for him. Then I realized that we don’t have to worry about it now. The Good Shepherd has brought us here. His voice will guide us to the next step. I told Dreyson that we will figure out what the next step should be. He smiled. It was the answer he wanted to hear. He said that he wants to take one step at a time towards life. It seems like he heard the Shepherd’s voice as well.

We heard the Shepherd’s voice. It was a busy week and we got a lot done.

I was a little uncomfortable about going to these offices and facing the arrogant and sometimes unhelpful bureaucrats. I would prefer to stay in the streets and teach them how to read and write and talk about God. I did not like to plead with the people to help these teens and young adults because they were homeless. I found the whole process very humiliating for our young people. I did not want to expose their lowly state to everyone. However, the Good Shepherd is calling us to move on to greener pastures. He wants to bring these young men and women to a different place. These young people have heard the voice but they are afraid to proceed alone. They are like sheep. They want an older sheep to walk with them as we follow the Shepherd. It has changed something in our relationship with them. Perhaps, this is in itself the place of green pasture and fresh waters.

I am not sure where we are going. I am sure that it is going to be an uncomfortable journey. There are wolves in every corner. We don’t have to fight them. The Shepherd will take care of them. He is not going to fight them as well. He doesn’t succumb to their ways and means. He will overcome them. We don’t want to imagine a fictitious reality in our minds where all young people will have good jobs and nice homes. It would be great if it was true. However, we don’t know. The Good Shepherd has a different way of looking at life. For now, we just listen to His voice and He will continue to guide us. Perhaps in these offices where people work for a system that is unkind and uncaring we might meet some sheep of the Good Shepherd. Hopefully, together we will discover that the sheep are more prominent in this world than the wolves. Perhaps this is what the Good Shepherd wants to reveal to us. We don’t know but for now, it is enough to know that we have a Good Shepherd leading the way.

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Authentic Witness

“Thus it is written, that the Messiah is to suffer and to rise from the dead on the third day,  and that repentance and forgiveness of sins is to be proclaimed in his name to all nations, beginning from Jerusalem. You are witnesses of these things. “ Luke 24:46-49

There are things I have witnessed and there are situations where I was a mere spectator. The former remain with me always. A distraught mother touching the stain of dried blood which used to sustain the life of her daughter; the gaze of young man about my age as he plunged off a bridge and hit the ground: these are things I witnessed. They are not recent events but they are always fresh in my heart. I think about them, they become things of the present and not mere memory. I can see the face of the young suicide victim seconds before his light was extinguished forever. He looked lost even as he breathed his last breath. We were doing exactly what we do today. We were playing a card game with the children. Everything got disrupted, of course. We decided to leave the scene as soon as the police arrived. One of the young teens asked us why we were leaving. I told her that the suicide disturbed us. She replied, “You’ re leaving just because you witnessed a death?” I thought it was a strange thing to say. Now, I realize she was right. You can’t leave after witnessing something like this. I don’t remember her name. Her words will always be remembered. I witnessed a death and now I am committed. I wasn’t really sure what I was committed to and I am still unclear. Perhaps this was why it was disturbing. I know something needed to change within me but I was afraid of the change.

You may be wondering why am I sharing the negative encounters and not the positive ones. Spectators define life along these lines. A good movie, a good game ….the list goes on. All these things have little influence in our lives except maybe to stir up our sentiments. However, witnessing something is strange. The simplistic boundaries of positive and negative experience get blurred. Something new and strange tries to permeate into your soul. Some try to resist it. I did not. I don’t know why. Perhaps I did not want to forget. The girl, whose mother sat and gazed what was left of her, her name was Rosana. Nobody knows her name in the streets. I do. She is still alive in our souls.

Jesus told His disciples to be witnesses. We assume that this is the mandate given to all disciples. However, there is question we need to ask as modern Christians. We need to ask ourselves what are we witnessing. The first disciples saw firsthand the suffering of Jesus and His resurrection from the dead. They saw the hopelessness and desperation of the Cross and then the foundation of everything they knew was shaken at the Resurrection. These were concrete and palpable events for them and not doctrines like in our case. Except perhaps, when we prayerfully read their accounts through their writings. We can sense the intensity and transformation they felt through their writings. It is real because they witnessed it. However, this is exclusively their privilege. We cannot witness the way they did because we did not witness the whole event. We have to discover what it means for us to be a witness in this time and age.

When I first came to this ministry, I was young and naive. I thought that if I told them the story of Jesus, the homeless will see the Light and be transformed. I did and I felt a little awkward sharing the story. It was then I realized that it wasn’t my story. I never completed what I started. I decided that I need to share something real and not some doctrine. I did not how to go about doing it. Therefore, I learned to be quiet and wait.
Then the Holy Spirit opened our eyes and hearts to see how we are to be witnesses in this world.

There was a group of university students at the steps of the Cathedral. They were on a tour of the historical sites of the city. It was time for a photo shoot. There was a homeless man sitting behind them. We know him but not his name. He likes to sit outside the church and beg for money. He stood and addressed the students. We expected some bit for money. Instead, he pointed out that everyone in group was “white’’ whereas Brazil has population has a fifty percent of Afro-Brazilians. In fact, Brazil has the second largest population of people of Afro-descent after Nigeria. He himself was black. He asked them why there was not even one person of his skin tone represented among them. It was a good question. They ignored him. Maybe because they did not have the answer. He waited and then he said, “Okay, maybe you can give some change.” Then returned back to his usual place and sat there. I wondered how many of his questions have gone unanswered. Always instantly, the biblical image of Job came to my mind. The steps of the Cathedral are filled with homeless adults and children and all them have unanswered questions. These are the “Jobs” of our modern society. They waited for an answer from anyone and have become tired of being ignored. Drugs and alcohol are the best consolation. They have long lost interest in the arguments of Job’s friends who always seem to be in abundance everywhere. They never have the answer these “Jobs” are searching for. I imagine that these students, in their classes, have heard some answers that Job’s friends would provide to answer the problem of society. However, when they were confronted with someone in a real life, they could not answer him. I understand how they feel. I felt that way too.

In the Book of Job, he never got the answer that he was looking for but he witnessed God. It is not about having the right answers. It is knowing that someone is listening to your questions. Job wanted to know if God was willing to listen to his questions. Even though the answer he received basically put him in his place, it did not matter. Job was satisfied. The homeless man asked the students why he was born into poverty and not wealth like them. They did not have an answer. He wasn’t expecting one. He perhaps wanted to know if there was anyone who cared enough to listen to his questions. He wanted to know if his appearances and social status have determined a life of misery forever. These are hard questions. Everyone of the homeless including our children are asking similar questions. Of course, I want to tell them that God will answer these questions like He did to Job. However, this would be just words. I have to be a genuine witness. I have to ask these questions myself and hear God’s voice for myself before I can testify to others.

Dreyson asked us a question. He wanted to know if he could ever be a bus driver. It is his dream. It seems like a simple question. One that conventional courtesy expects to answer with a resounding, “Yes”. However, we know him. He wants to know if we believe that he can do it. He wants a genuine answer. He wants to know if he has what it takes to overcome all the obstacles that life has thrown at him. We said that he has all the potential to become one, as long as he has patience and perseverance. We believed that he could if he kept his eyes on God and not on the words of men. However, Dreyson was not ready for a religious answer. He asked if we will accompany him to take all the necessary steps. We said, “yes.” It was an answer to God as well. Yes, we will be the witnesses of His faithfulness to those who are not ready to listen to His answers yet. We can only do this because God has answered all our questions and has brought to be with these children in the streets.

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There is a Light: A Good Friday Meditation

When Jesus had received the wine, he said, “It is finished.” Then he bowed his head and gave up his spirit. John 19:30

We find ourselves at the foot of the Cross again. Some try to bypass it. However, life always brings us back to the Cross. We cannot avoid it. We cannot say anything relevant to this world without confronting it. It is strange that many Neo-Evangelical churches in Brazil will be empty this Friday. They are the largest Protestant congregations and yet they don’t observe Good Friday. They are still obsessed with the doctrinal wars. They say that it is a Catholic tradition and they don’t want any part of it. They have allowed doctrinal conflicts to rob them of an opportunity to reflect on the Cross. However, they still celebrate Easter. Can Easter be meaningful without a moment at the foot of the Cross?

It is Easter that has brought us to the Cross. All Christians remember this day because of the reality of the Resurrection. When we look at the Cross, the Light of Easter warms our souls. It is impossible for us to experience that fateful day like the first disciples. We hear the pain and suffering of our Lord in the Passion readings. We can imagine the dread and hopelessness of the situation but the Light of the Resurrection still comforts us. The Cross for us will always be a sign of hope. It was not so for the first disciples. They saw their hopes and dreams being decimated when they heard the words, “It is finished.” For us, these words are words of Hope. For them, it was literally an end of what they believed to be a new beginning.

Jesus said to him, “Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have come to believe.” John 20:29

We are blessed as Jesus said. We have faith to believe without seeing. The first disciples had to witness the horrendous situation. The scene devastated their souls. We can’t imagine what Mother Mary felt when she saw her Son being tortured and humiliated. The disciples, especially, his close friends, just stood there and watched and felt helpless. They could not do anything about it. Jesus told Peter to put away his sword. It was the only way he knew how to defend Jesus. Without it, he was lost. He denied his best friend because he did not know what else he could do for Jesus.

We can never share in their despair and loneliness. We might feel a sense of mournfulness. It is something we can conjure up within ourselves. However, we still stand at the foot of the Cross with this powerful knowledge; all is not lost! We are truly blessed to know this in our souls. We did not learn it. It was given to us. Now, the Cross asks us the question; what are we going to do with our blessed status?

Being blessed in this situation means that our eyes are opened to see something deeper and greater than what is presented to us. It is a gift that comes with great responsibility. We are given the privilege to comfort those who are like the first disciples. There are many like them around today. There are countless women like Mother Mary who see the light in their sons and daughters disappear forever in an cruel manner. There are many like the disciples whose hopes and dreams are shattered with one cruel blow. There are those who think that life only dishes out loneliness and suffering for them. They are at the foot of the Cross. They see Jesus hanging on the tree. They are unable to see the Light that shines brightly behind the Cross.

Many of our children take comfort in the suffering of Jesus. However, they cannot see the Light of the Resurrection. They share the same sentiment as the first disciples. They feel the pain of Jesus when He cried out,

“Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?” that is, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” Matthew 27:46

They are not angry with God. They just feel abandoned.

We see the Light at the foot of the Cross. It is our privilege and our duty to stand at the foot of the Cross and testify that all is not lost by God’s grace. However, we cannot do this unless we are willing to stand with those who cry in despair and share their grief. If we just point at the Light without participating in their pain, then we will be discarded as optimistic fools. Besides, we cannot make people see the Light but the same faith that opens our eyes to see the Light can open our hearts and minds to participate in their pain and suffering. Only then, we can talk about hope. Only then, they will know that we have something to offer.

The way of the Cross is a way of pain and joy. It sounds like a paradox but only for those who refuse to face the reality of this life. We cannot talk about the joy of this life if we are not willing to participate in the pain. Jesus knew about the eternal joy of His Kingdom but He needed to endure the Cross first. Only then, the Truth of His Kingdom could be clearly understood. We know that Easter is the foundation of our faith but it does not excuse us from being at the foot of the Cross with those who suffer and are abandoned in this world. Jesus is crucified constantly in this world, it is our privilege to be present at these places and testify that there is a Light that never dies.

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The Enigma of Palm Sunday

Then they brought the colt to Jesus and threw their cloaks on it; and he sat on it. Many people spread their cloaks on the road, and others spread leafy branches that they had cut in the fields. Then those who went ahead and those who followed were shouting, “Hosanna! Blessed is the one who comes in the name of the Lord! Blessed is the coming kingdom of our ancestor David! Hosanna in the highest heaven!”- Mark 11:7-10

I have a love-hate relationship with Alex. Well, hate is too strong a word. I can’t really say that I dislike him as well. I get annoyed with him. We see him all the time begging for food and money. We usually walk up to him and say, “Hello.” He gives us his usual blank stare and then continues to do whatever he is doing. He gives us nothing in return. No “hello”, no smile, just complete silence and indifference. We know him well enough not to take offense. However, sometimes it is hard. I mentioned before that he was severely neglected as a child and consequently he has become socially awkward. He constantly begs for money. It doesn’t really help. It makes him treat people as a mere means to an end. If you add cocaine to this mix, the situation gets even more complex.

Today, however, was the first time he approached us after two months.

He came up with another boy. the other boy was new and behaved in a manner that revealed some signs of being mentally challenged. Alex introduced Lucas to us. He ran away from an orphanage yesterday. We asked Lucas about his orphanage and he got defensive. He was suspicious of us. After all, he just met us. He thought that we were going to report him. Alex quickly assured him. He explained that we are here to help and guide them. He further mentioned that we don’t force anyone to do anything they feel uncomfortable doing. He emphasized that we are completely trustworthy. This is interesting. Alex is more aware of what we do than we realized. Besides, there was something remarkably different about him today. His eyes were dancing with excitement. His face lit up with his beautiful smile which has been dormant for the past few months. Alex felt alive again and he did not need any drugs.

Alex asked if I had any letters for him. I know that this is quite random but Alex is just like that. I happened to have an old Christmas card. He took it from my hand and showed it to Lucas. He explained that people from Florida write in English and they pray for him and the other children and teens. He was really impressed that I spoke English. I don’t think that Alex has figured out that I am not a Brazilian despite my accent. Then, he asked if I could get someone to write to Lucas. He thought that it would do him some good. Our new friend looked horrified. He said, “No!” with much conviction. I tried to placate him by saying that I won’t do anything without his permission. Besides, all these letters flow naturally out of our relationship with the children. I explained to Alex that Lucas needs to know us first. Lucas just sat there looking very uncomfortable. He was afraid and lost but tried to put up a tough exterior. Even Alex who is usually clueless of such things ‘whispered’ loudly to us that he thought Lucas was not right in the head. He was worried that the older teens might take advantage of him.

Suddenly all the images of a grumpy and unfriendly Alex vanished from my mind. They were replaced with memories of the Alex that ran up to us and asked us to help a mute boy. I recalled how one day Alex went up to a sick homeless adult and offered him some juice. There is something new to build upon. He wants to make sure that this boy who is not “all right in the head” will be safe and protected. Alex doesn’t have a messiah complex. He is not emotionally mature enough to develop such concept or desire. He is really just a good person hidden under all the side-effects of being neglected since birth. In moments like this, God gives Alex the opportunity to allow the goodness in him to shine. It seems like Alex never lets such moments slip by even though he is not the most socially aware teen. He is sensitive to pain and suffering and tries to help those whom he perceive as being in worse circumstances than him.

Mary tried to get Alex’s attention, not an easy task. Finally she told him, “Alex, you are a good person.” His eyes got brighter and he became more alive.

There is a strange connection to Palm Sunday. This was not the route I wanted to take in my reflection of this blessed day. However, Alex made me take a look at this episode from a different window.

I always thought that it was bizarre that people who welcomed Jesus with such love and devotion could so quickly turn against him. I thought perhaps that they were being hypocritical at first. Then their true nature was revealed at Jesus’ trial. However, Jesus always exposes hypocrisy and he did not consider their joyous reception as such. The people genuinely recognized in Jesus the triumphant messiah. They saw beyond his humble entrance on a mule. They saw that this King did not need the outward appearances of power and might. It was all within Him. He was the Light that they have been waiting for. They recognized it. They rejoiced in it. However, it was not enough for them to stop the Cross. It was not enough for them to stand up for their King whom they received with such joy and jubilation.

If we are honest, Palm Sunday reflects our human frailty. How many times do we receive a person with warmth and affection and then later in life, we find that we are no longer on talking terms with the person. Some of the worst enemies of people used to be their closest friends and even lovers. Just because we are excited about knowing and loving someone, it doesn’t mean that we will continue to see them in this loving light forever. I don’t know why but, as humans, we seem to vacillate between love and hate so easily.

I have this type of complex relationship with Alex. However, I realized in every genuine encounter we have with him we discover that the “hate” diminishes and the love grows stronger. If I had based my relationship on mere experiences, then I would have discarded my friendship with Alex a long time ago. However, our relationship with him grows because we are given special moments where we encounter the real Alex trapped in his body.

Many people are excited about Jesus today. Many Christians sing enthusiastically about God’s love and compassion in their churches with such passion and sincerity, we would think that they would willing be His instrument of love to those who are despised in the world. Unfortunately, we know from reality that many would step of their churches and be the first to cast the stone. Palm Sunday is a prophetic warning that just because we are enthusiastic about our faith doesn’t mean that we are living it. Being passionate is not the same as being a disciple.

I am not sure if the disciples of Jesus participated in the revelry when Jesus entered the city triumphantly. Perhaps they were a little confused. They heard Jesus talk about his imminent death and yet the crowd seemed to love him. They were just caught in the experience of the moment. The disciples knew Jesus and they had an inkling that all was not well.

I learn with our children and teens that there is a different between an encounter and experience. My daily experience with them could be pleasant or unpleasant and it depends a lot of outward circumstances. I can come to conclusions about their characters based on these experiences. I might vacillate between love and hate if I judge them merely based on experiences. However, encounters are divine moments. God gives us these moments so that we can glance into the souls of these children. It is in these moments where we can see God’s presence in their lives. Encounters help us overcome the cycle of love-hate.

The crowd had a pleasant experience with Jesus and then the whole thing turned sour. They were stuck in the cycle of love-hate. The disciples who were given a glimpse of Jesus’ true nature understood the Jesus was their only hope for Life. Judas was the only one who threw it away and he realized it. Everyday I am confronted with experiences, they may be good or bad. However, God wants us to wait for something better. He wants us to have genuine encounters with the children and these will help us understand the true meaning of Love.

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Perhaps it is just Thunder

Father, glorify your name. Then a voice came from heaven, “I have glorified it, and I will glorify it again.” The crowd standing there heard it and said that it was thunder. Others said, “An angel has spoken to him.” Jesus answered, “This voice has come for your sake, not for mine.” John 12:28-30

As a Christian, I believe without a doubt that God indeed spoke. Those who claimed that it was thunder were just closed minded or, at least, that’s what I thought. They were the ones that Jesus mentioned previously; they have ears and yet they do not hear. I believe those who heard the voice of the angels. However, if truth be known, it is only on paper. If someone came up to me and said that they heard God’s voice spoken in an audible manner, I am more inclined to believe that they are confused. I would think to myself that they are just mistaken and most likely it was just thunder. I am not sure if I can honestly believe anyone who claims to have heard God’s voice audibly. Besides the world is replete with people who claim to hear God’s voice and many times, they only heard “thunder” and made the rest up.

I think that I might have just opened up a can of worms.

After all, I talk about God’s actions among the children and teens every week. Maybe it is all just “thunder” and I am doing some spiritual acrobatics to make everything look like God’s actions. Do I have any guarantee if the things I write about are real or are they mere wishful thinking? I am not sure if I want to go into this journey of self-exploration. Alas, the gospel text is leading me there.

In a way, it was a perfect week to contemplate on this. We spent the initial few days just sitting and waiting and no one showed up. The children and teens were around. They were busy. They were trying to get enough money to buy paint thinner so that they could spend the night getting high from it. We cannot convince ourselves that they are not coming up to us because they were doing something good. It was all bad. However, we have been doing this long enough to know that this is just temporary. We have had seasons like these and it will pass. Nevertheless, I have to be honest. The text above made me wonder if we are truly making any difference in the lives of these children and teens. Perhaps I am reading too much into their limited interactions with us. Maybe it was just mere “thunder” and I thought it was God.

I am not doubting our ministry here. I am merely questioning it. There is a difference. I think that I have just created another problem. Now it is incumbent on me to explain the difference. For starters, I don’t think that we are doing a useless task. I don’t believe that all this is a waste of time. However, I am questioning whether I am seeing things as they are or am I just imagining things so that I can go on from day to day? I wonder if I am really seeing God’s presence being manifested or is my mind just creating these narratives? It is not a bad question to ask. We talk about the Truth and it is pertinent that we ask ourselves such questions. God is present here. I don’t doubt this. However, I don’t want make Him make appear according to my fancy. I want to testify the Truth but I want to know if I am seeing the Truth clearly. I hope all this sounds confusing because it should. We are not talking about something finite. We are talking about an infinite God using limited vocabulary. It is bound to be confusing. However, I believe that it is still something that you can grasp.

Two days, no children or teens, no meaningful conversations. We were sitting and waiting and nothing happened. There was some thunder and lighting literally. It started pouring and we had to take refuge in a subway station before making dash for our home. I came home and there was a message. It was from Aline. I haven’t mentioned her name for years. We haven’t seen her for almost two years. She moved to a different area, still living in the streets but in another part of the city. Her message was simple and straightforward. She said that she missed us and asked if we could meet her which we did the very next day.

Aline grew up in an orphanage. Like most children in the orphanage, if they don’t have a place to go before they turn 18, they take to the streets. Aline ran away to the streets when she was 15. She is 20 now. We have know her for a long time. She was only one that actually had her birthday celebration in our home. I remember the day clearly. We told her that Mary baked a cake for her but it was in our apartment. She was hesitant to go at first. She confessed that she felt intimidated whenever she went to someone’s house. At the same, she was curious and it got the better of her. We had a great time celebrating her birthday. She did not appear to be uncomfortable in our home. We did have a very strong bond with her.

She arrived early and we were late. This is something different. She looked the same and no one would guess that she is 20. She still looks like a scrawny teenager. Her face was full of life and light. She is staying in a homeless shelter now. She wants to find a job. It hasn’t been easy. We asked her what she wanted to do with her life. She is an honest young woman. She said that she has no clue but she likes to clean. Maybe she can find work as a domestic help. We went for a short walk and she said that she wanted to see us more often. Mary thought about teaching her to make earrings. It is something Mary does very well. She liked the idea. We set a date for her to come to our apartment. She was happy when she said goodbye. She knew that she still had a place in our lives. We were happy that she wanted to be part of our lives.

Our relationship with Aline grew stronger when we had days where no one came to talk to us. Aline would stop by always to spend some time with us. She never liked to leave us alone. It is funny that she got in touch with us at a time when I was wondering if all these godly connections are just figments of my imagination. For a sceptic, all this could still be just mere “thunder”, or coincidences. He or she wouldn’t be wrong. Jesus never corrected those who thought it was thunder. He did say that those who heard God’s voice was for their own benefit. I guess I am never going to convince the “thunder people” of anything. However, we don’t hear God speaking to convince others that He is real. We hear His voice so that we know that He is really present in our lives. His presence makes our life richer.

We went the next day and sat and waited for the children and teens. They showed up and stayed with us for hours. As we got ready to leave, Wanderson said, “It is time for you to go already!” It was a good thing for him to say. It sounded like God’s voice to us or maybe it was just a “thunder”. It doesn’t matter. We know that it was for our benefit.

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A Preferential Option for Darkness

And this is the judgment, that the light has come into the world, and people loved darkness rather than light because their deeds were evil. For all who do evil hate the light and do not come to the light, so that their deeds may not be exposed. But those who do what is true come to the light, so that it may be clearly seen that their deeds have been done in God. John 3:19-21

Someone handed a tract to me. It was like a mini comic book. Some of you may know what I am talking about. They have been around for a while. I was a teenager then. The tract was about the final judgment. A unrepentant sinner dies and stands before God. His whole life is played out like a movie for the world to see. Everything he did was exposed. It was his final humiliation before being subjected to eternal condemnation. I was already an active Christian when I read this tract. It did not make me feel anything positive about heaven or the final judgment. It seemed to be an horrifying thing. The God of this tract was just like an evil tyrant who takes delight in the humiliation of his enemies. Unfortunately, I still remember the images vividly even though it has been more than thirty years. Reading the gospel text above reminded me of it again.

It says that many preferred darkness rather then Light because their deeds were evil. If I thought that God was a terrible tyrant waiting to expose all my weaknesses and faults, then darkness might not be a bad option. For those who are accustomed to the darkness, the Light can be intimidating. It means being exposed for everyone to see your most intimate thoughts. It is quite scary even if you claim that you have nothing to hide.

To be honest, no one wants everything to be in the Light. We like some things of our life to be hidden. We don’t want everyone to know how we really think about ourselves and others. We don’t want our self-righteousness, our false humility, our hypocritical piety, our prejudices, our hatred of those more successful than others….out there in the open. It is a little uncomfortable writing about these things. Mainly because I don’t want anyone to think that this is a personal confession. I want to keep some things in the dark. I think that I just caught myself preferring the darkness rather than the Light. However, I do like the Light.

I am not alone. Almost everyone likes the Light but in small doses especially when it highlights our good side. There is a growing interest in spirituality. People are seeking for enlightenment but only in a limited manner, as long as it doesn’t require any inconvenient changes. Meditation retreats are quite common nowadays. I personally don’t think that this is bad. People who attend these meetings are learning to take a step into the Light and see themselves for who they are in the silence. I always associate Light and silence together. Perhaps it is the image I have of the creation narration in Genesis. There was utter silence and the Light came forth. However, enlightenment is not a weekend experience. It is a lifestyle. It is not an easy lifestyle. The Light is always revealing something about ourselves that needs to change. Sometimes, it is more comforting to leave some things in the dark.

This week was a strange week. We hardly met any of the other children and teens except for Bruno. I used to write quite often about him. Initially we had many wonderful and deep interactions with him. Then a wall came up between us. Bruno preferred to hide behind a world of fantasy. He made up stories that were obviously fictional. They are not lies. These are meant to deceive. Bruno does not have any intention to deceive us. He wants to hide away from the real world. He wants to hide in the darkness. It is comforting for him there. Our conversation has been frequently superficial. It is also limited to movies and many other things not worth writing about. Then one day this week, we found Bruno was in a more pensive mood. I suppose that I was in a different state as well. I asked questions about his life that I usually refrain from asking.

I asked him how he ended up in the streets and for the first time, he gave us an honest answer. He said that he lived in an orphanage since the age of ten. His mother gave him up when she was pregnant with his sister. He said that she preferred her to him. This is the most vulnerable statement I have ever heard coming from him. Previously he would invent a mother who showered him with gifts on his birthday. The only thing his mother has given him was her name. It is the only thing he remembers of her. She was supposed to leave him at the orphanage for a short period only. This was the agreement between her and the social worker. However, his mother moved away without any notice and abandoned him completely.

Bruno liked the orphanage but he knew that he could not stay there once he turned 18. He ran away before he could be rejected once more. He came to the streets with another boy and has never left ever since. He is about 22 now. It was the first time Bruno stepped of the darkness of lies and fantasy and revealed the tragic truth of his childhood. It was the first time after months that I was able to sense a genuine connection with him. In a strange way, I felt a little vulnerable too. He was sharing a poignant story and there was nothing I could say or do that would make it any better. Being in the Light reveals who we are. We are helpless beings who don’t have any answers when confronted with real problems.

Going back to the Genesis narrative, Adam and Eve ran away from the Light when they heard God approaching. Their reason for doing so was because they were naked. They were always naked but now they realized that they could not do anything about it. They did not want to exposed and vulnerable. They preferred the darkness rather to be revealed as being weak.

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