But Thomas (who was called the Twin), one of the twelve, was not with them when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, ‘We have seen the Lord.’ But he said to them, ‘Unless I see the mark of the nails in his hands, and put my finger in the mark of the nails and my hand in his side, I will not believe.’ John 20:24-25

For a change I am going to talk about someone who comes from the other side of the social spectrum. She is in her mid eighties even though she looks much younger than her age. She comes from a wealthy family and lives in an exclusive neighborhood in São Paulo. She is an active member of the church. I don’t really know her at all apart from our casual but superficial interactions during church. Our worlds are so apart that it was hard to find a bridge to connect us. She tries her best to be friendly even though she knows that the social barrier is a difficult one to overcome. Despite all this, we found ourselves in the same room studying the gospel of John together. It became our bridge. All our social standing was left at the door, here we were mere Christians seeking a deeper understanding of our faith.

We were talking about something concerning the divinity of Jesus and she confessed that she had no problems with the teachings of Jesus. However, she found it hard to grasp His divinity. This is a person who never misses a Sunday. She comes alone to church. Her family have, unfortunately, “grown out” of church. She goes to church seeking for a deeper connection with God and yet she has doubts. She has problems with the principal doctrine of our faith; the divinity of Jesus. For some reason, I respected her even more after she said this. She became more real and, in some sense, vulnerable. It also revealed to me her genuine desire to know Jesus intimately. It was so strong that she wasn’t afraid to express her doubts.

The gospel of John had prepared the stage for this episode with Thomas. The apostle was introduced in bits and pieces throughout the gospel. He was always the one who asked the relevant questions; the kind that everyone wanted to ask but lacked the courage.

Thomas willingly gave up everything to follow Jesus. He wholeheartedly trusted this strange Teacher who taught things of God with authority and love. He wasn’t a mere follower of the crowd. He desired a deep and profound connection with the Eternal God and Jesus helped him sense this. Therefore, it wasn’t surprising that he wasn’t going to believe on secondary testimony. He needed to see the Resurrected Christ himself. Mostly likely, Thomas understood the repercussion of such an event more than anyone else. The other disciples were still disoriented with this new outcome of our Lord’s death. Thomas knew what all this meant but first, He needed to meet the Lord for Himself. It wasn’t that he doubted the integrity of his fellow apostles. The things they claimed were too important for him to depend solely on their testimony. He had no choice. He needed to see the Resurrected Lord for Himself.

Many times we are impressed with people who never question their faith. However, this is not always a positive thing. Sometimes these people don’t go beyond the superficial. Sometimes their faith may not be so important for them and they don’t have to risk anything for it. Consequently, they have no reason to question anything. On the other hand, doubts can be a sign of a maturing faith. Some time ago, there was a book or an article about Mother Theresa’s personal writings. In them, she admitted to entertaining doubts about her faith and God. This caused a reaction which bordered on absurdity. It revealed the superficial notion that the world has about faith. It is not about blind endorsement to a set of teachings on the supernatural. It is a dynamic and living relationship with a Person which transcends our reality. In other words, our faith is constantly growing. We cannot as finite beings comprehend the Infinite in one sitting. Our Faith constantly modifies how we understand life and each step of this process is a moment of decision. Consequently, it also means leaving behind ideas and concepts that we have held onto so dearly. In the case of Thomas, he knew that Resurrected Jesus meant that he had to abandon most of the things he was taught about God since he was a child. It meant that he had to embrace something entire new and unknown to him. Each one of us come into our faith with preconceived ideas about God. As our faith matures, we find ourselves in a place where we need to abandon these ideas. Sometimes the idea of abandoning them might be accompanied by a sense of despair and fear because stepping into a new and unknown territory is always risky and frightening.

Not too long ago, I received a bizarre message from a young woman who once a homeless young girl in this city. I mentioned her many times before. In fact, the very first article I wrote for this blog is about our encounter with her. We met her when she was eleven and homeless. Today she is 41 years old and, thankfully, no longer homeless. However, her life is not a success story nor the contrary is true. Life doesn’t function in terms of success or failure. She is living her life in the best way she can. She struggles frequently with defining her own identity. Her life was one of rejection since the day she was born. She often refers to us as her parents. I have to admit we don’t do much. However, we represent people who did not reject her and this is important for her personal growth. She has clung onto her faith her whole life long. It has helped overcome many obstacles.

She wrote a message to me asking me if I believed in God. I knew that this was a message which required a follow-up phone call and long conversation. Veronica, at that moment, wasn’t going through any personal crisis which is a rare occurrence for her. She was feeling quite peaceful until she looked out her window and saw the bright stars in the clear skies. She was grasped by the immensity of the universe. At that precise moment she was grasped by the fact that she was nothing but a tiny spot in the face of the universe. Suddenly she was assailed by doubts. She began to question all the things she had believed until now. She realized that most of it was just mere hearsay; things her pastor and people had told her. She wondered if God truly cared about her, after all, she was just a mere speck in the universe. She looked back to her life and all her struggles and wondered if she just invented this figure of God as a mere coping mechanism. Veronica was having an existential crisis. One could say that she was having a religious experience. I am one of these. It was an invitation for growth. Her experiences, perhaps, were not much different from the ones Thomas experienced. She needed to make a drastic decision and she needed some assurance to move on.

Then Jesus said to Thomas, ‘Put your finger here and see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it in my side. Do not doubt but believe.’ Thomas answered him, ‘My Lord and my God!’ John 20:27-28

At moments like this, no words nor arguments can be adequately convincing. They could lead to despair and desperation. However, this story in the gospel brings special hope to us. It reveals to us that Jesus is willing and able to respond to us in a real and genuine manner. It is an answer only our Lord could give.

Thomas did not come out of the experience unscathed. Jesus rebuked him but not for his doubts but for the conditions he set. He limited the way the resurrected Christ should manifest to him. This attitude can lead us to despair. When we limit the way God should act in our lives, them we might fail to discern His presence in His own creative way in our lives. Thomas was saved from despair because he chose to remain in the company of those who encountered the Resurrected Christ. These were able to maintain the hope in his heart of the possibility of a real encounter with the Lord. Whereas none of their words could convince Thomas, their active testimony through their lives and friendship with Thomas kept him from falling into the permanent state of unbelief.

I asked Veronica if she went to church during Holy Week. She sent me a picture of herself and several friends in church. She once told me that even thought doubts assail her, she cannot help but pray to God. I have hope for Veronica, the woman from our church, and all our homeless youth in the street that they will have a genuine encounter with the Resurrected Christ. The threat of despair is real and strong but if they are surrounded by genuine witnesses of the Resurrected Lord, then this threat is not able to consume them. The important thing is to know and maintain hope that the Resurrected Christ will manifest Himself. It may not be as dramatic as that of Thomas. Nevertheless, it will be creative and real enough for them to confess like Thomas that Jesus is their “God and Lord”. We can have this assurance because our Lord has risen and is alive today. He is present in a real way in our lives as long as we don’t limit the way He should manifest to us.