Ministry to Children

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A Personal Holy Week Reflection

I can’t really remember what I was looking for on the book shelf when I found this old copy of the gospel of Mark. Perhaps I was in the mood to read something. I opened the gospel and read the opening lines.

“The beginning of the gospel of Jesus Christ, the Son of God.” (Mark 1:1)

I was eleven years old.

Since it was Holy Week and I thought to myself that maybe I should just take a few minutes to read the gospel. I don’t think I had planned to read the whole gospel. Like any average eleven year old, my attention span was gravely limited and the gospel of Mark looked like a lot of reading material for someone my age.

For some reason, after the reading the first line, I was drawn almost immediately into the text. I remember it as if it was yesterday. My whole being was absorbed into my inner reading world. My voice in my head narrated the story and my soul just listened deeply and consumed every word that was spoken. It felt like time had stood still for the moment and my attentions span was suspended in a timeless space. As I read about the things Jesus did and said, He became more than a mere personality in a story. He became real being and yet not real as in a real personality in a biographical narrative. I felt His presence in the room. The other players in the stories became irrelevant at that moment. It did not matter what they did or said. Their doubts and faith did not register to me. Only the person of Jesus was alive.

As I kept reading and my sense of His presences in the room became stronger. I won’t say that the gospel was clear to me. I did not understand the parables, I did not understand many things I was reading as I understand them now. However, I remember sensing in my spirit that there were deep and profound things being said. In my soul, there was a growing sense of awe and reverence whenever Jesus responds to the Pharisees. None of those who unjustly accused Jesus invoked any emotional feelings in me. There was no anger or hatred towards them. There was no disappointment when Judas betrayed Jesus or when Peter denied knowing Him. My eyes and hears were focused on the Son of God. Everything in mind was empty except for the person of Jesus.

When I read Jesus’ cry, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?”, my whole being was captivated by those words. No Hollywood production could have penetrated by entire being the way I felt when I read those words alone in my room. When Jesus breathed His last breath, the veil of my heart was torn from top to bottom. It was the first time in my eleven years that I felt the helplessness and injustice of His death. I responded in a way only appropriate for an eleven year old, I buried my face in my pillow and cried. I was afraid that some family might walk into the room and see me crying. I locked the door so that I could be free to mourn the death of Jesus.

The gospel spoke to me in a real way that day. No one sat down and explained anything to me. It wasn’t necessary. The person of Jesus had become a real person to me. He had stepped out of the stories that I heard on Sundays and became a living person to me. At that moment, I did not know what to do but I knew I had to do something with my life. Jesus was too real for me to go on living my life as if He was still trapped in the pages of Bible. He is real and life could not be the same after this day for me. It took a few years to do something about it but the fire was ignited on that particular Holy Week.

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The Hope of the Cross

“And I, if I am lifted up from the earth, will draw all peoples to Myself.”- John 12:32

Last year, eight children and teens died in the streets. Most of them were buried in unmarked graves without any funeral or memorial services. In most cases, the families were notified weeks after their passing and in extreme cases, there was no one to notify. Whenever a homeless person dies in the streets whether they are adults or children, the Brazilian Law requires that the burial takes place one day after the death. If no one claims their bodies within 24 hours, they are buried in unmarked graves without anyone present. All the social service groups working in the streets decided that we needed to do something to remember the lives of these little ones. They were special to us and we wanted to show that we miss their presence in this world. We decided to organize an event in remembrance of these forgotten ones.

Of all the agencies, we have the smallest team. Consequently, we could not afford the time and manpower to participate in the organization of this event. The other agencies graciously included us in the event despite our minimal involvement. We are also the only religious group in the mix and our lack of participation meant that the religious element would also be missing in the event. This is not to say that there are no religious people working in these groups, but these agencies are expected to avoid any religious reference in their work approach. We were the only ones with this liberty.

The event was held on a Friday. The agencies put together a banner with the names of the children with personalized notes written by people and children who knew them. These notes were joined together to form the words: Peace in the Streets. There were eight crosses with the names of the children and teens who passed away and there were about twenty other crosses for those who died in yesteryears that were never remembered in any way. The plan was for us to walk together to all the places where the children died and place a memorial plaque with the name of the respective children.

It was a simple event. It began with a passionate speech from one of the leaders of the social agencies and he talked about injustice and the need to fight for the rights of the children. After him, someone else spoke along the same lines. The message was a political one but it did not seem appropriate for the moment. For starters, most of the children died of drug abuse and three were murdered. I am not sure that in a just society such deaths would not occur. Social injustice has a role to play in the situation of the homeless, but murder and drug abuse occurs in every society. I don’t think political reform could have stopped these deaths. The problem is beyond politics. It is deals with something deeper and more profound. It is sin. We live in a sinful world. However, sin is also a religious word and the secular agencies do not have the vocabulary to address this in their discourses. They think that sin means blaming the victims. This would be a narrow view of the concept. The broader view gives a more realistic view of life. Not everything can be solved by social and political reforms.

In the speeches that were made, the names and lives of the children and teens were hardly mentioned. It is strange that they would be even forgotten in an event to remember them. I don’t think this was deliberate, but I think that social agencies have very little to say when someone dies. However, those who knew and loved these children and teens were not there for a political event but they wanted to know about their loved ones now. They wanted a message of hope for them. Politics has nothing to say to those who have died.

The event ended with planting of all the Crosses in the area where the last boy died in December. For many, perhaps the Cross was just used to mark the graves. However, for us, it reminded us why we are here. It is the power of this symbol that has brought us to this place. The Cross reminded us that there is a gracious God who resurrected His Son to shine His light in this world even though the world did not deserve Him. The Cross is not about who we are or what we have done but it is about Him who is able and willing to overcome death and changed its meaning forever.

As we begin this Holy Week, I am reminded of the importance of the Cross in our work. It changes our message and approach in our ministry. We are not here to push for political reforms. Our world view makes us realize that politics is helpless in the face of deep human problems, just as Pontius Pilate was helpless to change the fate of Jesus. No one could change the helplessness or powerlessness of humanity at the feet of the Cross except for the One who hung on it. He is the One who is able to bring hope even in a seemingly hopeless situation. Seeing the field covered with Crosses reminded me that death does not have victory over Grace.

Crosses to remember those who have passed away.

Crosses to remember those who have passed away.

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Remembering and Forgetting

Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. -Philippians 3:13-14

The growth process of Life is a process of forgetting and remembering. Consequently, if we hold on to the things which we are to forget and let go of those that are essential for us to remember, then our growth can be become paralyzed. The question is how do we discern the difference.

The above verses were the foundation of our reflection before returning to missions. We have served in this same area before. We came back to this ministry with many good and bad memories from our experiences in the past. They are both capable of holding us back if we don’t discern which ones to forget. Some bad memories can help us become better people and some good memories can hold us back from doing better and greater things with our lives. Now, God was calling to do something new and we needed to decide what to forget and what to remember.

Our first experience working with the street children was a very positive experience. We had a wonderful team and we developed a working philosophy that responded to the needs of the homeless at that particular time. The children and teens were open and receptive to us. They recognized our presence as a spiritual force to help them make the transition out of the streets. This was exactly our goal then. In our minds, we have this wonderful image of our past experience and how much of it based on reality, we can never tell. Nevertheless, Mary and I would describe it as one of the best times of our lives. However, it would be mistake to hold on these memories and attempt to recreate them in our present situation. Many things have changed. We cannot impose the same working philosophy in our ministry as we did twenty years ago. The children and teens are different. Society has changed. We have changed. We remember the good things of the past, but we need to forget them as well. We remember them to remind ourselves where we came from, but we need to forget them so that we don’t try to recreate the past in the present. The present holds something new for us.

No experience in life is complete without bad experiences. We look back in the past and remember mostly good times because we want to forget the bad times. I don’t even feel like writing about them at this moment. However, I do remember them vividly. I wish that by not talking about them maybe they will go away. Unfortunately, they are still lurking somewhere in my past and waiting for the opportunity to come out and instill fear in my heart. I have come to realize that maybe I should not forget these moments and put them in their context. They cannot harm me. I am still here. This means these negative experiences did not hinder me from being where I am today. More important than this, God has helped me overcome these moments. It does not mean that I escaped the pain and suffering which is part and parcel of a negative experience. However, they lack the power to destroy the person that God wants me to become. This is the part I need to remember. I cannot remember this without recalling the negative experiences. I had the privilege of knowing some wonderful people who suffered in the concentration camps during the war. They remember the horrific experience vividly, but in their remembering, they reveal a strength that is able to overcome all the odds. They have the courage to remember because of this strength and it is the same strength that makes them move to conquer greater victories in life.

Our children and teens are not living in the streets because they are rebellious or poor. They are in the streets because of a trauma they experienced. Most of them want to forget this. They want to just remember the good times and they attempt to recreate the good times through artificial means. Yesterday, Igor shared with us about his parents for the first time. He said that he has no recollection of his father. He has never even seen the picture of his father. As for his mother, he said that he remembers her clearly even though he was eight years old when she was murdered. He remembers every detail of her face. He also remembers the details of his life in the streets and the times he spent in detention centers. He remembers the harsh and negative words spoken to him. He remembers the looks people gave him when he walked in a store. He remembers the rejection and the hatred. He remembers meeting us in the streets. He remembers the things we said to him. He remembers too many things. Some of them might become a burden for him to live in the present and move towards to future. He needs to forget some things and only remember those things that are necessary for his growth.

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Love is a Gift

And above all things have fervent love for one another, for “love will cover a multitude of sins. -1 Peter 4:8

We just received news that Igor was fired from his job.

Seemingly, everything was going well. Igor liked his job and was beginning to get excited about his future. He even considered going to night school to complete his high school education. Then suddenly, we received this disturbing news. We did not hear this from him directly. One of his friends told us about it. We walked past where he worked and sure enough, he was not there. We went home little sad and disappointed that day. We wanted the best for Igor and this job was the right step towards this direction. Now, we were concerned that he might give up on everything.

We went to the project where Igor was living the very next day. As usual, we waited in the lobby as the staff went to get him. Then we heard some footsteps coming down the stairs and it was Ana Paula. She greeted us with a broad happy smile and sat down beside us. We were little surprised by her cheerfulness. We asked her about Igor’s job and she did not appear to know that Igor got fired. She thought that he had given up on his work. After a brief moment of silence, she asked us a surprising question. She wanted to know if we liked Igor. We were a little taken aback. I told her that I hoped that it was obvious. Then she rephrased her question. She wanted to know if we considered him like a son. This was still a strange question and I was trying to read between the lines. I think that she is intrigued by our relationship with her and Igor. She was trying to figure out what motivates us to care about them.

Ana Paula wanted to know if we are especially interested in them because we do not have any children. She was trying to find out if we were fulfilling our paternal desire by caring for them. Well, we are old enough to be their parents. However, paternal desires did not bring us to Brazil. It was something more profound and special. However, at that particular moment I was at a loss of words to express exactly why we are concerned and desire the best for her and Igor. Unfortunately, before we could bring this interesting conversation to an end, Igor came down and the subject was changed almost immediately. We were curious as to why he lost his job.

Igor missed a day of work without informing his boss. He said that he had a good reason. He went to pick up his two year old daughter for the weekend. Ana Paula and Igor lost custody of their child when they were living in the streets. Recently, they gained visitation rights on the weekends. This is just trial period. If they are able to honor these visits for a period of time, the judge might grant them full custody when they move to a place of their own. This is their goal. For Igor, this is one of the most important goals of his life. Unfortunately, Igor does not understand how employment works. He does not know how to prioritize his time, as well as his responsibilities as an employee. I cannot really say that he doesn’t know how to do it because this would imply that he is disorganized. This is not the case. Igor is not aware of what he needs to do as an employee. He knows how to do the work but about the relationship between an employee and employer, he has no idea. He thinks of his employer as a friend. All his life, his relationships are based on friendships. He has never had a relationship with his parents; they died when he was eight and everyone he knows are his friends. He does not understand the concept of having varieties of relationships.We take these things for granted, but most of us learn these things through examples of our parents. One of the roles of parents is to teach us how to relate to the world.

Igor knows how to survive in the streets. In the streets, what was in front of him took precedence. Everyone living in the streets understood this. Naturally, Igor thought that his boos would understand as well. He was disappointed when his boss fired him. He thought that his boss was unreasonable. It was not the right time to tell Igor that he was wrong. It was just time to listen. We have to listen to know what Igor knows and doesn’t know. We can only be his guide if we allow him to show us how to do it.

Ana Paula was perceptive. Igor needs parent-like figures to help him navigate in this world. Perhaps, this is why she asked us if we thought of them as our children. They both need some parental guidance. However, we are not here to be their parents even though this might be the role for this particular period of their lives. One day, they will not need us in this role and we hope that we can still be part of their lives. Our relationship is not defined by roles but it is defined by a gift. This gift does not have a time limit or a specific role. This gift is a gift that keeps expanding. This gift is none other than Love.

We did not generate this gift. We received this gift and each gift comes with a certain responsibility. This is why sometimes it is harder to give away something than to sell it. When we buy something, we don’t have any responsibility to the one who sells it to us. However, Love can only be received as a gift. We cannot receive it without being inspired by its Giver. The Giver shares His gift openly and generously to the world. He gives the gift so that we can do the same. The gift itself becomes more meaningful and powerful each time we share it. In fact, its true value is only appreciated when we share it. Each time we share it, we discover its magnitude and intensity. It opens our eyes to see the beauty of the Giver present in the lives of others. It is not our desire to fulfill certain roles that brought us here. It is this gift that enables us to see the beauty and power of the Great Gift-giver working in the lives of Igor and Ana Paula.

I am not sure that Ana Paula would understand my answer. This answer is perhaps just for me to understand what motivates me to be here.

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Not Aiming for Happy Endings

“I can be happy with some of the things that I have achieved recently but I am not going to fool myself as well. I know that my happy ending is not to be found in this life. There are many challenges ahead of me. I have many battles to face and I know that I have to face them alone because they waged in my soul. It is good to know that I can know person of Jesus in this life and I don’t have to wait until the next life to see Him. He has been my comfort and counsellor and the strength that is going to help me go beyond my limitations.”- Janaina Prado

Janaina recently posted this on Facebook. Her post reveals the loneliness of her life journey but it is not a loneliness that leads to desperation and hopelessness. She has already walked this path before. Her loneliness is now leading her to the path of solitude; a path of self-discovery.

I remember one specific conversation I had with Janaina about 17 years ago. She was 14 then. She told me about the time she was almost adopted. She was living in an orphanage when a couple from Germany wanted to adopt her. According to Brazilian law, they had to fly to Brazil to meet her before the process was finalized. It was love at first sight for the woman. Janaina said that the feeling was mutual. However, she was not ready to leave her brothers behind. Nothing could convince her to agree with the adoption. Even though she was only eight at that time, the Brazilian law respected the sentiments of the child in the adoption process. Consequently, the family gave up on the process. They could not bear to separate the young girl from her siblings. However, the woman adopted Janaina as her daughter in her heart and never lost contact with her. Unfortunately, her brothers left the orphanage leaving Janaina behind. She eventually ran away and ended up in the streets. Her life in the streets led to drug addiction and her condition went from bad to worse. In her conversation with me, she said that she regretted not leaving with the family to Germany. She imagined her life would have been better if she had taken the bold step and agreed with the adoption. Most people would agree with her. If her story was a fairy tale, we would say that she lived happily ever after in Germany with her kind adopted parents. The people who wanted to adopt her were kind and good people. However, this does not mean that her life would have been a bed of roses in Germany.

We will never know if her life would have been better in Germany. It would have been different. She would have been financially better off and perhaps have a middle class lifestyle. Maybe she might have gone to college and even have a well-paying job. Maybe she might not have learned to overcome the loneliness and discover her solitude with God. Maybe she would never discover the strength to overcome the battles waged in her soul.

Aristotle said that the chief aim of life is live a complete and fulfilled life. According to him, virtues guide us in this path of self-discovery. Material goods and even a comfortable life do not bring us closer to discover this fulfilled life. In many cases, they could be an obstacle. What we define as a happy ending may not necessarily mean the person is on the path of self-discovery. In the conventional sense, it just usually means that they are living a comfortable middle-class lifestyle. However, life has more to offer than this. Janaina is on the path of discovering this and she realizes that she does not need a happy ending to do it.

The joy of her journey is to know for sure that she has everything she needs to live a complete and fulfilled life. She also knows that her life does not just end here but the time here is just part of the journey. Her close and real relationship with Jesus is the answer to help her engage and overcome the inner battles waged in her soul. She knows that she cannot do it by herself and only the strength that comes from the person of Jesus is going to help her. This is not knowledge that has been passed onto her. Her post on Facebook comes from a personal self-discovery. No pastor could have articulated it so perfectly as she did. She wrote this out of her own personal experience.

Someone once asked me what do we consider as a success in our ministry. I would point to Janaina. I would love for the children and teens we know today in the streets to one day discover what Janaina wrote on her Facebook. For us, this would be success. We don’t need a happy ending. We desire that the children and teens discover together with us the path to a fulfilled life.

A Happy Reunion

A Happy Reunion

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Waiting for the Right Time

“The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God is at hand. Repent, and believe in the gospel.”- Mark 1:15

Recently, I watched a youtube instructional video on playing the classical guitar. The very first instructions were to just hold the guitar without playing its strings. This was quite hard because my first instinct is to start strumming on the strings. Just as I was trying to resist the temptation to do this, the instructor said that the problem with many students is that they want to play immediately when they grab the guitar. He seemed to be looking at me when he said this. According to him, this impatience leads to bad habits and poor playing. He emphasized that it was essential for us to know and understand the instrument before rushing into playing it. We were instructed to feel the strings and then to think about what we are going to do and how we are going to do it mentally. Once we get all the steps figured out mentally, only then are we ready to begin. It doesn’t mean that we are going to play beautifully right away. It just means we are ready to begin.

Jesus waited for thirty years before he preached his first sermon on the Kingdom of God. Throughout his ministry, Jesus emphasized in subtle as well as explicit ways the importance of waiting. He did not just wait passively. He submitted Himself to the process of waiting. When he was baptized against the protest of John the Baptist, Jesus said that it was the appropriate way for the time being. John was right; Jesus should be baptizing him instead. However, the waiting process demanded otherwise. Waiting can mean doing things that apparently make no sense to those around us. Jesus spent a bulk of his life as a carpenter. It is strange that there is no explicit reference to his experiences as a carpenter in his teaching. In fact, it seems like they were uneventful years. Why didn’t he start his ministry earlier and die on the Cross at a later age?

Jesus’ ministry did not end at the Cross. The Cross was the beginning of a new phase of His eternal ministry. It marked His transition from prophet and teacher to High Priest and King. As High Priest, He represents not only God to us but also He represents Humanity to God. His qualification to do this comes from the years He spent experiencing all the ups and downs of a regular human being. I guess being a carpenter is as normal as you can get during his time. Regular human life is full of challenges and struggles and everyone has their share of suffering. Jesus is not a High Priest of exceptionally complex cases. He is the High Priest of regular human beings in regular human situations.

He is a High Priest that truly understands human predicament and yet He was able to transcend it. He gives the mundane things in life a new meaning. They are not wasted experiences because they can point us to something that is eternal. Jesus saw that spending thirty years as a carpenter was important. It gave Him the tools to preach the Kingdom of God effectively to the world because He was able to see eternity in the mundane things. If we are unable to see the eternal present in the mundane things, then we won’t be able to preach the Kingdom of God effectively.

‘Well done, good and faithful servant; you have been faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things. Enter into the joy of your lord.’-Matthew 25:23

We spend hours in our ministry apparently doing mundane things. Our children and teens are so detached from regular human society that doing these things with them brings them back into human society. However, it doesn’t just end there. These times spent with the children prepare the way for us to preach the Kingdom of God. Most important, they prepare us to discern the Eternal Presence of God in the mundane.

Our time of waiting is a time of training our eyes to see the eternal presence in the mundane.

It is easy to miss the importance of doing these mundane things in preparation to preach the gospel. One of the frustrating things for us is perhaps walking for miles searching for these children and teens. It is even worse on the days when we don’t find them. It is easy to feel as if we have wasted our time. However, occasionally some complete stranger comes to us and tells us that he has seen us walking around looking for the children and he wants to know what motivates us to do such things. The only answer we can give is that the Kingdom of God is here and we are here to testify of its goodness.

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An Open Moment

Then He also said to him who invited Him, “When you give a dinner or a supper, do not ask your friends, your brothers, your relatives, nor rich neighbors, lest they also invite you back, and you be repaid. But when you give a feast, invite the poor, the maimed, the lame, the blind. And you will be blessed, because they cannot repay you; for you shall be repaid at the resurrection of the just.”-Luke 14:12-14

I walked with Igor to the subway station closest to our house. We walked and talked along the way like two ordinary friends. No one would have guessed that Igor was sleeping in the streets just a few months ago. Before parting our ways, he thanked me for the hundredth time for our hospitality. Then he gave me a big warm hug. I walked home feeling grateful for the things God was doing in our lives.

It has been a while since I wrote about Igor. In my previous entry, I wrote about his move to a government-sponsored halfway house called, “Hope for Autonomy”. He is still living there with his girlfriend, Ana Paula. However, many things have changed. The changes are not confined to these two. They have started a chain reaction.

In the beginning of this year, Igor found a job. The thing that made of all us extra proud of him was that he found this job on his own. Initially, Igor was passive about his job search. He was timid and afraid of rejection. Then something changed and made him take a more active posture. I am not sure what changed his attitude towards the job hunt. Maybe it was the fear of returning to the streets. He spent the final weeks of December going around small businesses looking for short-term employment. Finally, someone gave him a chance and ironically it was a small business located about hundred meters away from where Igor used to sleep in the streets. The company delivers mineral water to businesses and residences in the area. It is hard work. Igor has to load about ten five gallon containers in a trolley and push them to their respective destinations. There are no motorized vehicles or anything to facilitate the delivery. Everything is done through pure muscle strength. Most days he walks about three to five miles with this heavy load. It is his first job and he has just completed one month. In his first week of work, we casually walked passed his workplace and saw Igor soaking wet with his own sweat.  It was 100° F (40° Celsius). He waved at us and continued his work without saying anything. We understood. He did not want to be distracted and we walked on by.

The salary is not that great. He does not make enough for him to find a place to rent but spiritually the job is doing wonders for Igor. The other teenagers are impressed when they see Igor walking around delivering the containers of water. They see a possibility for a change as well. Some have asked for our help with documents so that they can apply for jobs. One teenager asked us if we would accompany him in his job search just to give him the confidence he lacks. They are sick of the streets and criminal life. They want to have a honest job even if it doesn’t pay much. This new desire came about by seeing one of their own working.

We managed to get hold of Igor on his lunch break and we asked him about his work. He was honest and told us that it was tough but he acknowledges that it is a good start. Mary offered to continue the English lessons with him if he desired. He told us honestly that when he goes home from work he just wants to rest and sleep. Then we offered him to come to our apartment once a week to have a small meal and just relax there before going home. He accepted our invitation.

It is very hard for the children or the teens to accept an invitation to anyone’s house. For them, it was stepping out of their comfort zone. We were prepared for Igor to be feel a little inhibited on his first visit here. However, we were pleasantly surprised. He appeared to be relaxed and comfortable in our home. He was curious about our books and asked about the kind of books we read. He told us about a particular book that he wanted to read and I told him that I would find it for him.

We casually talked about working life. I mentioned the importance of having a plan or project for our lives and how this would help us not to be discouraged when things are tough. He listened intently. Our conversation slowly drifted to the Bible. He was very curious about God and faith and I proposed that we read the Bible together on Wednesdays. He agreed and he said that he wanted to continue with the English lessons as well.

His second visit took place this week. He was more relaxed this time. He shared about his work and conversations with fellow workers. He was more open and communicative than before. We did a brief English lesson and then read a small section of the gospel of Matthew. It was not a passive Bible study, the kind where I talk and everyone listens. Igor contributed his thoughts and he shared from his experience on how he understood God was working in his life. We ended the Bible study with the understanding that all of us have something to learn from each other. We were all humbled as well as edified by the active presence of God in our lives.

For me personally, it was amazing to see the progress of our relationship with Igor. When we met him for the first time, he had just gotten out of Juvenile detention center. He was sniffing paint thinner and robbing. Now, he is reading the Bible together in our apartment. Life is unpredictable. We don’t know what tomorrow is going to bring us. We don’t what is in store for Igor. The future does not belong to us. God has given us the present moment. At this moment, Igor is open to receive the eternal things from God and we are happy that we are part of it.

Links to previous posts on Igor:

Hope for Autonomy

Igor Has an Address

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Why didn’t I dance

“My favorite thing to do is to take a shower. I never had a shower in my house, in fact, I never had lived in a proper house. It did not have a bathroom or a kitchen. I never slept in a bed when I was a child. I never dreamed that I would have all these things one day. Now I do.”

These were the opening lines of a remarkable book I read over the weekend. It was recommended to me by a homeless teenage girl. Her name is Isabela. She is about 19 and like most of the older teens, she has been living in the streets since she was a young child. Although, unlike the others, she spent a couple of years in a shelter for children until she turned eighteen. Then she was forced to return to her family. She stayed for one day at her aunt’s house and then fled to the streets again. Our conversation did not go further than this. She was not ready to share more and we respected her privacy. Then she surprised us and asked us if we could buy her a book. This was the first time any of the teens or children asked for a book. Most of them dislike to read and naturally we were happy to find one who actually likes to read. She corrected us immediately. She told us that she did not like to read but this particular book touched her. The book is called, “Esmeralda: Why didn’t I dance.” It was a strange title and we had to search for it at several used bookstores before finding it. I open the first page and read the above opening lines of the life story of Esmeralda. I was drawn in immediately.

As I read her story I discovered that Esmeralda was living in the streets when we were working here twenty years ago. To my great surprise, her older brother was someone with whom I had good contact in the past. However, I cannot remember ever speaking to her personally even though her face looks familiar. Her story was similar to many of the children and teens in the streets. She comes from a family living in a tiny shack made out of scrap plywood. They had one mattress and everyone slept on the same bed. They were eight children but four died from illness. The oldest sister was ten years old when a group of men kidnapped and raped her before killing her. Her mother suffered a mental breakdown after this and started drinking heavily. The mother used to force the children to go the streets with her to beg for money. Many times they hardly had any money for food but the mother always found a way to buy alcohol. The shack they lived in did not have a bathroom or a kitchen; they cooked their meals on a makeshift stove using scrap wood as fuel. Consequently, their tiny shack was always filled with suffocating fumes which the children had to endure while eating their meals. This was the world of Esmeralda. It is hard to believe that people could live in such conditions and I would have found it unbelievable if I hadn’t been to some of these homes. However, according to Esmeralda, it wasn’t extreme poverty that led her to the streets. This is an important point to remember. The problem is not just poverty, as extreme and dehumanizing as it may seem. Children can adapt to extreme conditions if they feel that they are loved. And love was the one thing that Esmeralda did not feel in her tiny shack.

Esmeralda’s mother suffered from severe mental illness that made her violent. She would wait for the children to go to bed while they were fast asleep she would attack them. In the morning she would be remorseful. The children were naturally terrified of her. Eventually things got worse for the children. Her mother started bringing strange men to the shack and one day one of them raped Esmeralda. She was about 11. Her older brother had enough and ran away to the center. Esmeralda followed in his footsteps soon after.

Life in the street was not easy for Esmeralda. In her desperation to get money and shelter, she trusted the wrong people and she suffered more abuse. It was a miracle that she was not murdered like her sister. Gradually she got involved in crime and was sent to the juvenile detention center where the guards treated her with violence. By the age of eighteen, she was a hardened crack addict and considered to be a hopeless case.

Esmeralda shares that her faith in God gave her the strength to take the bold step towards leaving the street life. There was no radical conversion experience. It was actually a quiet and reflective process. She said that she found life in the streets to be monotonous. She used drugs not because she was addicted but to escape the monotony. She pleaded with God for the strength for a change. At this particular moment, she felt the presence of God in a real way. This presence opened her eyes to see the people who were willing to help her change her life story. She approached these people for help.

Her journey out of addiction was not an easy one. She had to struggle with the fact that she had to leave behind all her friends who had become very much like her family. She realized that she needed to change her way of thinking about the world and she was clueless how to go about doing it. She started by changing the way she thought about herself. She learned that she needed to love herself and she couldn’t do this until she forgave her mother and not only her mother but all those who wronged her. Then, finally, she had to forgive herself. I won’t say that there was a happy ending because Esmeralda is still young and there is a long journey for her. Esmeralda is happy now because she is where she wants to be emotionally and spiritually. She is in a place where she can learn and grow. For her, this is the perfect way to live her life. She did not want to become rich. She did not mind being poor. Her goal at the end of the book was to finish her high school education and go to college. Things she never thought she could ever hope for when she was a young child. The book ended at this point and it was written 14 years ago. I did some research on her and found out that she did finish her college degree on Anthropology. She continues to learn and grow into her vocation as God’s instrument in this world.

This is the story of Esmeralda. Isabela had already this book once and she wanted to read it again. When I told her that I found the book, her eyes lit up and she wanted to see the book right away. She grabbed it from my hands and held it close to her chest. Her face reflected an intense delight. The story of Esmeralda meant something very important for Isabela. It represented hope for her. Maybe she came from the same background. We don’t know. Isabela is a very private person. We know very little about Isabela and we hope that the story of Esmeralda will inspire her to open up to us. Maybe one day Isabela will share her story to the world as well.

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Unkind Reminder for the New Year

“A voice was heard in Ramah,
Lamentation and bitter weeping,
Rachel weeping for her children,
Refusing to be comforted for her children,
Because they are no more.” – Jeremiah 31:15

It is the New Year. We returned to the streets after a short break with all the joy and excitement one conjures up at the beginning of every New Year. We were hoping for something good this year, something different; none of us can really be sure what this would entail realistically. I think deep down, we are hoping that we would have a deeper connection with the children and teens this year, perhaps they might open their hearts to see us as their spiritual family. We didn’t know what we were expecting but we wanted to see some growth in ourselves and our ministry with the children. We met each other at the foot of the Cathedral where we usually meet. Before we could finish with the customary New Year greetings, it started to rain heavily. We took shelter in the church and waited until the rain lightened up a little. Finally, we got tired of waiting and went out into the weak and still annoying drizzling rain. The streets were wet and the children were no where to be found. Most likely they were taking shelter elsewhere. Our first day we walked around the whole center searching for the children and teens and did not find anyone. We were damp but our spirits were not; there is always the second day.

Today was the second day. It was a beautiful day. It made us feel hopeful again about the New Year. We met at our usual place and immediately after our prayers, one of the teens spotted us and ran up to give us a hug. It was nice to have such a warm welcome. However, then came the bad news. She told us that Mateus was murdered on Christmas Eve. We could not believe it. He was such a sweet boy and only thirteen years old.

Life was never easy for Mateus. He comes from a family living in abject poverty in a neighborhood ironically named Father Christmas’ Garden. His family life was a far cry from any Christmas specials. He was sexually abused at a very young age by a male relative and finally ran away to the streets seeking for a better life. Unfortunately, in the streets, Mateus used sex to survive and the other children used to call him by a derogative name for male prostitutes. Mateus did have some positive influences in his life. He lived in a Christian shelter on and off for several years and he bonded with our friend and fellow missionary, Luke. They formed a deep father-son relationship. However, Mateus was a restless soul and he could not remain in the shelter for long. My understanding was that he did not know how to relate with people who did not want to abuse him sexually. He was about twelve then.

Mateus was soft-spoken and a very gentle soul. He did not engage in any criminal activity except to prostitute himself. Every time he saw us, he would run up to us and give us each a hug. Then he would just stand there without saying anything. He did not know how to proceed from the initial greeting. He suffered from a severe learning disability and he reasoned like a seven year old. Just before Christmas, Mary took it upon herself to teach Mateus how to write. Even though Mateus had been to school while he lived in the shelter, he never learned how to read. However, we had a hard time trying to locate him. He roamed the streets alone and often kept to himself. Sometimes children with similar background would hang out with him, especially the girls. They felt safe with him.

On Christmas Eve, someone lured him to a dark spot under a highway bridge and repeatedly bashed his skull until he died. He suffered a brutal and painful death. His murderer is not from the streets and has no connection with him. His death won’t be investigated because he is a poor homeless teenager. However, for our friend, Luke who knew him more than any of us, Mateus was a special gift of God to him.

Mateus is learning how to write his name just before Christmas.

Mateus is learning how to write his name just before Christmas.

Mary managed to have one lesson with Mateus. We took his picture and developed it to give to him for Christmas. He always wanted a picture of himself. The day we presented his picture, he acted as if he did not care about it. He was being a typical teenager. We knew that he appreciated it. Mary wrote a Christmas card saying that he was special. It was the last thing we gave to him.

This is our first day back and it made us realize why God wants us to be here.

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Almost a Tragic Evening

Inasmuch then as the children have partaken of flesh and blood, He Himself likewise shared in the same, that through death He might destroy him who had the power of death, that is, the devil, and release those who through fear of death were all their lifetime subject to bondage.- Hebrews 2:14-15

I was waiting for the team members in front of the steps of the Roman Catholic Cathedral which is located in the old center of the city. The square pertaining to the church is where many of the homeless have found refuge at least for the past twenty years. In the evenings, some religious and altruistic societies come out to feed the homeless here. Consequently, it has became a the gathering point for the homeless towards the end of the day. While waiting for the team members to arrive, I noticed a man shouting out with much conviction and enthusiasm that he was from a state in the Northeast of Brazil even though he supported the local soccer team. He kept repeating this the whole time I was standing there. For some reason, in his state of insanity, he believed that the whole world should be made aware of this fact. Everyone just ignored this man which infuriated him even more and he started shouting at every passerby. This is quite a common scene among the homeless. Most of them suffer some sort of mental illness and it is not uncommon see people arguing or having heated discussion with an imaginary enemy. My mind was drifting off aimlessly thinking about the people in my surroundings and I can see how easy it is to tip over to the other side. Thankfully, the team members arrived and we found a large group of children and teens in the square.

The children were unusually eager to do activities with us. We were playing all kinds of games and some of them were even in the mood to chat with us. So far everything was going well. In the midst of this, there was another insane homeless woman who was accusing the children that they had stolen something from her. Nobody paid any attention to her including myself. I was having a great conversation with one of the teens. Then, all the sudden, I felt an icy cold liquid running down my hair and within seconds my shirt was soaking wet. I felt someone pouring what felt like a bucket of cold water on me. I stood up and saw that it was the crazy woman and she had emptied a large container of fuel alcohol on me. She was yelling at everyone saying that she meant business. I was really annoyed and confronted her. Then one of the older teens ran up to me and warned me that she had a lighter in her hand. The older teens surrounded her and threatened to hit her. She had a knife and a lighter in her hand and had threatened to set me on fire. I was in a daze for a moment and I heard people telling me to stay away from her. By this time, I began to sense the pungent stench of the alcohol. All the children and teens who are accustomed to violence in the streets were shocked at what had happened. They could not believe that someone would be aggressive to those who come to help them. The insane woman kept trying to light up her lighter and everyone told me to leave right away because I was still in danger. Finally, she gave up and ran away. The children came up to me and asked if I was feeling okay. Strangely, I was not afraid nor angry. I don’t think that I was in a state of shock. I am not even sure that I felt my life was in danger. The children advised me to go home and wash off the alcohol. It was good idea and I told them that I will be back tomorrow.

Some people would say that prayers of the saints protected me last night. I would like to think that this was true. However, I am also aware that there are many innocent people have died tragically last night in some cruel and unexpected way. I have read about people dying in similar circumstances before and on Monday, I could have been one of them. It was unprovoked and unforeseen. It was just someone with a mental illness doing something without a complete understanding of what was happening. I am glad that she wasn’t able to go through with her plans but she has marked my life nevertheless. She reminded me that mortality is something that could come to us at the moment we least expect. Despite what happened, it was a good night and bad things often happen in moments when everything seems to be going well. This is the state of our mortality. It is not something that we can avoid and it is definitely not something that we should fear.

I am going back to the same place today. I think that the lesson I learned from this incident was that I am happy doing what I am doing right now. I am not going to change it. I wasn’t feeling afraid, not because I am a brave man. Bravery is not necessarily a virtue in all situations. I could very well be insane myself and not see the danger. Maybe there might be some truth to this. However, mortality does not make any appointments with us. It just comes and I would like to continue to do what I am doing now when the time comes for me to surrender to my own mortality.

Having said this, prayers for our protection are always welcome.

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